Wednesday, July 22, 2015

"A Certain Slumber": The Story of Frances Strassman’s Life, as told by her son Michael



An estimated 108 billion people have lived and died on this planet, and as with snowflakes, all were unique and special. Of the 7.3 billion people currently alive on Earth, the same still holds true and it always will. The numbers and the implications are staggering if not incomprehensible. What is the meaning of my life? What is the meaning of someone else's life? Why should it matter?

As long as a life matters to just one being, even if only to the owner of that life herself, that life matters tremendously. There is an old saying, now typically glossed over, that goes something like this: "By changing yourself you can change the world." Aphorisms like this are cute and can make people feel good about themselves while they drive their Prius with this bumper sticker on their car, while they recycle their waste and shop at organic food stores, and so on. There is nothing wrong with this - don't get me wrong - I do the same exact thing, but the point is that many people give lip service to this, and sometimes there is little substance behind it.

Other people do these same things, but they have substance. This gives them credibility. Credibility gives them authority to change the world. Any one of us can be one of those people, but that is not always easy or convenient. This is a short story of one of those people.

Frances Strassman, born Frances Flynn, came from Minnesota - a product of good, upstanding, hard-working, white middle class, very decent people. She married a man of the same ilk. She brought into this world five children. OK, so that is around the first 35+ years or so of her life. So by age 35+ her life mattered, as most do, to the family that raised her, to her husband and to her children, and to some others. The middle-class American dream. Or so it seemed. But dreams are just that, and when she awoke from the dream, she was divorced and had no custody of her children. There was now a fork in the road - do you go left or right?

This fork awoke Frances from a certain slumber, a slumber of around 35 years. A slumber that would take a few more years from which to become fully awake. And then many more years to become fully aware. I remember Frances saying to me "I have lived several lives within this lifetime; my second life started after my divorce". That awakening from that slumber was the catalyst for her trying to change the world.

She then met a man who brought her passion and mysteries and intrigue and "danger." She had not experienced that before, she told me one evening, and felt incomplete because of that. Now she felt more alive, she felt there was something more to life than living the "American dream". This opened her up to new experiences, new possibilities. This man gave her something she never had before - a certain strength in knowing who she was, what she was worth. It was empowering, if not at times intoxicating and overwhelming. I know this because she told me so. The seed was sown and now could not be stopped: she found an inner voice - her womanhood. I hate to be corny, but to quote the singer and activist Helen Reddy - "I am woman, hear me roar". Frances became aware of her potential power.

She roared. The roar was so powerful it sent dream man #2 packing (be careful of dreams). He was a good man inside but he was an old fashioned man, and for him men are men, and women are women, and... Well, when dream man #2 realized what he was losing, he begged her to come back - he would change for her. No, no, no she said.

During her second life, Frances was exposed to new realities - she learned deeply about Latin American culture, about Mexico (she lived for a long time in New Mexico and southern California), and about Mexican spiritual beliefs. Eventually she was exposed to the writings of Carlos Castaneda. What matters is this: she discovered a "separate reality" - the world is not necessarily as we think it is. Her second life was over - the seed was sown, and the third life of Frances Strassman was about to start. The slumber had ended, and now she was awake. Very awake.

At some point Frances came to visit me in San Francisco, while she was living in Miami. I do not remember the year - maybe 1989. That was the start of Life #3 for Frances. By that time, she had found her independence as a woman, had become self-sufficient and empowered. I remember her saying once to me during that time, "I do not need a man to define my life - I will define it." She was exposed to two particular people in Miami who were experts/masters in Chinese spirituality (Taoism and Buddhism) and studied with them for many years. After several years of this, she came to visit me in 1989 in San Francisco.

I can still recall that day as clear as yesterday: "Michael, I have found my home," she said to me. I drove her all around the Bay Area on my motorcycle, and that was it - she was smitten. She closed up shop in Miami quite quickly, drove out here, and set up shop with me. Life #3 was in full swing.

She quickly became a student at the Nyingma Institute in Berkeley. She devoured studies of Buddhism and Taoism - many years of experience in Miami, and now many more years of experience in Berkeley and SF brought her to a high level. She became so popular at Nyingma that they asked her to become an instructor. She taught "Skillfull Means," a course that involved living your life through careful introspection and analysis. I remember talking to the dean of the school - he said, that at that time, her classes were the most popular in the entire school. Why? Because she lived and breathed what she taught.

She brought joy into what she taught. Other instructors were jealous (much to the delight of Frances). At this same time, Frances became aware that females were under-represented in the business world. She now she found a new calling - the role of the women in the business world of men. By now it is around 1996 - I am getting married, and the only woman that matters in the universe, aside from my wife, is Frances. The awakening period was over for Frances, and she was now becoming an aware being. Fully aware was the goal, and she was on a direct path to it.

Frances moved from San Francisco to Henry Street in Berkeley - directly behind Andronico's grocery store, where she stayed until the end. Frances came into full awareness as a human being during this period. She started a business, called "More Than Order." Her specialty was helping women who were independent, self sufficient, business owners. She had a soft spot for women in this male-dominated business world. Her goal in life was now clear: aside from personal beliefs, to help women become independent, successful business owners.

Many of her clients were powerful people at UC Berkeley, and most were women. She fought for women's rights with the tenacity of a bulldog. She befriended important people at UC Berkeley, and within the Bay Area Buddhist and business community. She was a very important member of NAPO - the National Association of Professional Organizers. As a matter of fact, a woman she inspired long ago to become a professional organizer became the person who closed out her estate when she died.

Frances died on Easter Sunday (coincidence?), in an automobile accident, while on a leisurely drive. I arrived the next day. Almost exactly 24 hours after she passed, I also got in a car accident on my way to pick up my sister to go to the hospital to claim her body. The car was completely totaled, and I was lucky to have not been seriously injured or killed. Or was it luck? For those who knew Frances, they would understand that maybe it was an omen - a message from her saying to me, "Michael, slow down, focus on the present moment - this accident you are in is a wake up call to live your life with more awareness, because your life matters to more people than you think."

In case you didn't know, Buddhists feel the soul of a person lingers for a certain time after physical death before moving on to reincarnate. Frances was there. By the way, Frances owned and drove a green, souped-up, 6 cylinder, stick shift sport coupe - no Prius for her! Life #3 was complete, and Life #4 was about to start - a fully realized, fully aware being.

Frances was so intelligent, so compelling, so pure, so wise, such a ball of energy (Mighty Mouse was a nickname) that she drew people to her. A few days after her death, there was a casual, private, spontaneous gathering at Indian Rock Park for her. Many, many people showed up - I was surprised at how many. Why? Because her life mattered to them - she made an impact on these people, and for some her impact was profound. And these people were a small fraction of all she knew.

Amongst these people was K.C. of Manifesta Salon. She came because Frances mattered to her. And because Frances mattered to K.C., Frances had an impact on the local community that Manifesta is rooted in, as K.C. is very involved. That means that any impact Frances had on K.C. has a ripple effect to those people that K.C. interacts with - like you, the reader. Now you will interact with others. And so on. You see, this is the real way that you change the world - not with bumper stickers or slogans.

So why should someone's life matter to you? Why should you care about this stranger Frances Strassman? Because if this is how Frances changed the world, then this is how you can change the world.

10 days after her death, a private ceremony was given for her at Odiyan Temple and Retreat near Santa Rosa. Odiyan is one of the largest Buddhist facilities in the western world (it is private). It was here that the profundity of the impact she had on others hit me. The only people allowed to come to that ceremony, held to honor her, were private members of that Buddhist community - no one else was allowed, no one was asked or forced to come.

Over 300 people came to honor her. That did not include friends, family and business relationships - imagine how many that would have been! And this was just one little old lady who really was rather private, and not a social gadfly. Her life mattered greatly to maybe 400 or so people. That means she had a positive effect on all those people - those people are better because of her.

So please do the math: what if all of you were a "Frances"? What if more people were like Frances? If there were only one thousand people who truly lived like Frances, then there would be about 400,000 people who would be good human beings striving to help others. The world would be a better place.

If you ever happen to see me driving my car - a green, souped-up, 6 cylinder, stick shift sport coupe, and you read my corny bumper sticker that says "By changing yourself you can change the world," you will know the true meaning behind it. I will now drive mom's car until either it or I evolve into Life #4. Peace.